Thanks for the rant, Brenda

Dear Brenda Hampton,

What did the television-viewing world ever do to you, other than give 11 seasons to a show that did not deserve half a season? Why are you punishing both viewers and credible writers whose decent shows have not made it while your newest horrible one has? And now you’re getting another ABCFamily show I hear? Please, just stop. 7th Heaven was bad enough. You made your point; you think Christianity is awesome.

But no, that’s actually part of the problem. Secret Life started off as a show promoting Christianity, which, even though I’m about as religion-neutral as it gets, I didn’t mind. Because at least it had a point, and at least that point was something ridiculous enough to entertain me. Now the point is what? All sex, all the time? Even the super-duper-Christian chick is getting tested for STDs now?! What happened here? I can’t even watch it just to make fun of it anymore; it’s THAT painful.

Which brings me to my next point: It is not necessary for every single episode of this show to be a boisterous, repetitive, blatant PSA. That’s what the ACTUAL PSA at the end is for. Give us a break from the constant “life lessons” that your target demographic doesn’t actually have to deal with on a regular basis. Because honestly, anyone of average intelligence over 15 who still watches your show only does so to make fun of it. I guarantee it.

Moving along, did anyone ever teach you about the value of a good character? I really don’t think they did. Secret Life has exactly one character that is worth anyone’s time, but she is so poorly expressed that it’s not compelling unless you really look for it [which you shouldn’t have to do. Good characters shout at you.]. Your main character is, and I’m not going out on a limb here, the worst character I have ever had the displeasure of encountering. Amy Juergens, the girl who gets pregnant at band camp and proceeds to view the world as indebted to her, gets “married” and then breaks up with the guy, gets back together with the babydaddy, and proposes to him?! This chick is more indecisive than I am! Me! The girl without a favorite anything! And the rest of the characters are just variations of each other: the semi-Christian girl obsessed with sex, the two annoying best friends obsessed with sex, the jock obsessed with sex, the player/babydaddy obsessed with sex, and so on. Ashley is the only character who seems to have her head on straight, but again, she isn’t compelling enough. And Ben is just annoying, with his “wow, life just took on so much more meaning to me” revelations every single episode.

Let’s go on to the dialogue, shall we? Exactly how many times can someone say the same word in one conversation? Is that the record you’re trying to break here? Because I’m pretty sure you can put your name on a spot on the Guinness Book of World Records. And why, exactly, do the characters always have to repeat the question someone has just asked them before they answer it? Does anyone really do that in real life? NO. If you took out all of the repeated words and phrases in this show, each episode would be a half hour long. Which would be much more tolerable.

Have I gotten anything wrong here? I’ll admit, I haven’t actually watched the show since the first season, but something tells me (from the glimpses I caught tonight while I was too lazy to change the channel) that it has not changed. Yeah, I didn’t think so. The only good thing about this show is that it gives me something to rant about.

Come on, Brenda. You’re wasting good talent here. Not yours— because let’s be honest, you don’t have any— but everyone else’s. Because they could ALL be doing better, even if their acting abilities culminate on Secret Life.

Salutations (because I don’t know how to end this letter… condolences? Deepest apologies for my scathing review of your career?),

Paige.

P.S. The title doesn’t even make sense. “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” Not only is that demeaning and judgmental of American teenagers, but it does not correspond with the show at all. There is nothing SECRET about these people’s lives. They talk to everyone about everything they do.