What the...

I really have no idea why critics, of all people, are calling this the best Twilight movie yet. Granted the bar isn't set very high, but this movie was... not one I even want to own on DVD, really. I own the other ones because, yeah, I'll watch them if it's late and I'm bored and haven't watched one in a while. But this one, my god.

I'll start off with how completely ridiculous it all was. I knew it was going to be ridiculous, based on having read the book, but seeing it on screen I felt like my face was going to get stuck in "WTF?" mode. The wedding was alright, if way over-the-top for a wedding where half of the guests thought it was only happening because the bride was pregnant. Which she wasn't... at the time. The honeymoon was actually pretty amusing, and not in the "this is so stupid I can't stop laughing" way. I actually thought they did the honeymoon scenes well, with the checkers and Bella walking around in her skimpy clothes that Alice put in her suitcase (because Edward refused to sleep with her again) and whatnot. The whole thing with the Spanish lady was kind of exactly how it was in the book... by which I mean it was unnecessary.

I liked that we got to see more scenes without Bella because half of Breaking Dawn is from Jacob's point of view. I liked that they showed Charlie getting suspicious about things (all the graduation caps, Bella going to a "medical center,"...). That's about the extent of what I liked though.

Oh, and the scene with the wolf pack. All of them talking, fighting... as wolves. We see the CGI wolves looking at each other and showing their teeth and everything and we can hear them snarling, but then over the snarling we're supposed to hear what they're thinking? I could barely understand any of it. And it looked like a cartoon. So stupid.

In addition to the complete ridiculousness of it all, it was disturbing. I mean, when you're surprised at how they can make an only-average-looking female lead look totally repulsive, that probably means something is wrong [it would have been an impressive feat if Kristen Stewart were drop-dead gorgeous, but she's not]. She looked disgusting. It was still a little bit awe-inspiring but mostly it made me want to throw up. And then she drinks blood out of a fast-food cup with a straw. That just made everyone laugh. And that's the thing... you don't really know if the funny parts are supposed to be funny. They just are.

And then the birth scene. Oh my god. Those noises were not necessary. The part where Bella is lying on the table and Edward is trying to revive her... ew. She looks like a corpse. Stop touching the corpse, Edward.

The most disturbing thing of all? This movie made me like Jacob better than Edward. The whole time, Edward is just being all broody and annoying. A compilation of all his contributions to the story would probably be along the lines of "I killed people. Yes, no, no, no, fine, Jacob please help me even though you hate me. Bella wake up. I won't let them hurt my family. Bella wake up. Is it working?" While Jacob actually had a personality. Also he kept his shirt on throughout nearly all of the movie (the only time it was off was when he was turning into werewolfJacob), so that was a plus. Sorry girls, I just don't see why a guy needs to have his shirt off for us to know he is attractive. Also I liked that he was more comfortable around the Cullens-- seriously, he starts just walking into their house unannounced, without even grimacing because of the "smell"-- and that he didn't really hold a grudge against Bella for marrying Edward. He accepts that they're all a family and seems to just want to help. And then the scene where he imprints on Renesmee (oh, and I liked the part where Rosalie was arguing with Bella about what a ridiculous name that is) wasn't even awkward. He walks in the house ready to kill her and then he sees her eyes, which are supposed to be the same as Bella's, and he just drops to his knees. I mean, he's not crying or anything, but he just gives up. He knows he can't kill her anymore.

Meanwhile, when Edward learns through Jacob's thoughts that Jacob has imprinted on his daughter, he doesn't even seem mad. He just seems a little agitated. WTF? A werewolf is forever going to attach himself to your daughter! I want a little more than a scowl!

Cut back to Bella, who still looks like a corpse, but then there's all this House-like internal activity going on with special effects and again it looks like a cartoon, and we're supposed to know that the venom is working. The color comes back to her hair and she turns into a porcelain doll and then there's a close-up on her eyes and you know the movie's going to end as soon as they open, and then they open, red, and BAM. It's over.

And then the end credits completely do not match the movie at all. The music makes it seem like it's some kind of dark indie comedy. More like a dark, twisted, expensive, romantic supernatural accidental comedy.

To top it all off, they didn't even show The Hunger Games trailer in my theater like they were supposed to. WHAT THE HECK. I am not over it.